English
Ender wiggin enders game
Alfred brooks, the contender
A little bit of both in enders game and contender
Alfred was walking home from the gym on a cold Wednesday night. He was training for the biggest fight in his life and it was coming up in a week. It would be on pay-per-view, the world would be watching and if he won, everyone would know his name.
The Brooklyn street that he was walking on was not much to look at. The road was cold and damp, and trash littered the street. He felt like some one was watching him. Not the usual gangsters that are always in the shadows, looking for money. The wise guys stay away from Alfred now; he’s an up and coming boxer, with not enough cash to be worth the risk. No this was different. Suddenly, out of nowhere, two albino men in suits stepped out of the shadows.
‘Alfred Brooks” the first man said.
“Oh, so I already am famous?’ said Alfred.
“You’re coming with us” said the man.
“I’m sorry, but you guys are?” said Alfred.
“That’s not important,’ said the first man.
“I’m not going anywhere with two sketchy guys in suits in the middle of the slums of Brooklyn” said Alfred.
‘He wants to do it the hard way,’ said the second man.
Suddenly they two men pulled out guns that looked straight out of Star Wars. Then Alfred felt a painful shock fill his body. His arms and legs went limp, as the two men dragged him away.
“Don’t worry, you will be fine” said the second man. Alfred soon passed out.
Alfred awoke looking at a chrome ceiling, different color lights shining on his body.
“Oh great, I’ve been abducted by aliens” Alfred said.
“No, but soon you’ll wish you were” said a child-like voice in the corner of the room.
Alfred looked and saw a young boy, around seven years old, sitting on a chair, arms crossed.
“Oh great, a creepy little kid, what’s next, zombies?’ said Alfred.
“Don’t you want to know what’s going on?” said the child.
“Okay, tell me” said Alfred.
“Good, follow me’ said the boy.
“I don’t like the looks of this” said Alfred as the door in front of them opened, and they all stepped into a blinding light.
The place was awe inspiring. It looked like something out of those old cartoons but in reality it was Earth hundred of years into the future. “Welcome to battle school” said the boy. “I’m Ender, and now you’re basically mine” Ender went on to explain to Alfred where he was. Alfred was now in battle school, a combat school for children. Human on the planet Earth formed this school to train children to fight in a war versus an alien race. The aliens, called Buggers, want to kill all humans. No one knew where the Buggers came from or why they wanted to kill all humans but it was a war nevertheless.
‘This seems pretty big, but why me? Said Alfred
“Because, you’re a fighter” said Ender
“That means nothing if I haven’t shot a gun before” said Alfred
“You have the instincts of a warrior, and that’s why we need you” said Ender
“I left all that I have behind. I was going to be famous! I could take of my family, I could get my friends to straighten up” said Alfred
“Here’s the deal, I need to lead my team to victory in these battle games, so I can be promoted to commander. If you help me do that, you can go home” said Ender.
‘Fine, I’ll play your game” said Alfred
“Good” said Ender.
Alfred quickly raised the ranks. “Good shot” yelled Ender. “come on, finish them’ he would bark. It almost was if old trainer, Donateli, was in his body. Maybe Ender was some great, great grandson, or long lost nephew, but he was just as hard. After a while Ender said “you’ve done good, you can go home”
“Alright” said Alfred “I hope I helped”
“Use those blaster dodging techniques I taught you” said Ender “you’ll need them”
Just as he said that, he was whisked away, back to the cold, lonely Brooklyn street. “I wont tell any one about this” thought Alfred,” I don’t need to go to a looney hospital, instead of a regular one”
The night of the fight arrived. Alfred didn’t get hit once he dodged, jabbed, jabbed and dodges. His trainer, Doneteli thought “where did he learn this, cause he didn’t get it from me” Alfred won in a 2nd round TKO. After the mach, he got multiple offers to headline in fights across they country. Alfred hoped Ender had the same happy ending.
Happy endings don’t always work though, would Ender have the same fate?
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I thought the story was good but a bit strange and confusing.I remember Alfred being taken to some strange place by two strange men.I was thinking something like the two men from men in black came and got Alfred and brought him to a consentration camp. The story made me think about a lot of "what ifs."
ReplyDeleteThe conversations seemed authentic but quite boring.The characters seemed intelectual and just like normal people.
My favorite part of the story was when the little boy Ender was introduced. "Alfred looked and saw a young boy, around seven years old, sitting on a chair, arms crossed." I just thought it was really cool and almost straight from a horror film.
Well a very minimul amount of the battle school was mentioned in detail and it said it wass a training school for kids, well Alfred wasn't a kid.
Well everyone in our class and other classes can improve their essay and we all know it.But next time you may want to consider just adding more parts to the story in detail instead of a few parts not really explained in depth. But overall it was really good and you used some very "smart" words and kept the reader interested. Good job, keep it up.
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ReplyDeletei feel that your story was well writin Mr. Farnswerth(most likely spellt wrong). there is a lot of your humor in it, which has it's moment. I enjoyed the story up to the last couple of parts. suchas the battle and the fight at the end. I thought at those parts you could have added a little bit more detail.
ReplyDeleteI thought your conversations where funny to some parts. you didn't really capture the charecter of alfred well, you more replaced alfred with your self. ender was captured rather well. you got his spirit and battle dialoge. but enders anger was developed enough.
My favoriite part of the story was the confrontation between alfred and the suits. i love how you incorperated the blaster into the story. and that paragraph was almost histerical. thumbs up.
the only things that have to say were already said. Alfreds character was not alfred, but you. You also need to develope the story more, but thats about it.
My only suggestion for the future, is try not to replace a character with you, or the story won't work right. allin all a B+.
I thought that the story was well written and developed well but i must agree with Jimmy. There was a little of you showing in Alfred probably because you were writing the story. I also enjoyed the cliff hanger in the end that was awesome. GOOD JOB
ReplyDeleteI thought the story was great. After reading it, I feel curious about what's going to happen next. I am trying to picture that. The idea that I'm still trying to picture in my head is how this future world would look. I think it would look pretty cool.
ReplyDeleteI thought the conversation between the two characters was authentic. I haven't read Ender's Game but I did read The Contender. I felt you got the charcater Alfred right. You put in his sarcasm and you used ideas from the story. One thing about the dialogue I would change is to use better puncuation.
"I don’t need to go to a looney hospital, instead of a regular one”. That was my favorite part of the story. I thought it was very funny. I liked how you just made Alfred forget what happened and pretend it never happened. People would've thought he was crazy and if he got hurt during the fight he would want to go to a real hospital.
One problem in your essay was puncuation. There were barely any periods during their talk. Sometimes it got pretty confusing. That is one problem I had with your essay.
One thing you should consider for future writing assignment is as I said above: puncuation. Just make sure to add it during your dialogue. I really liked your essay. I thought it was well-written and funny. Good job.
I liked your word-play in the story. Alot of the words are words I don't know the meaning of. It made me think of and visualize the match at the end. Albert must've beat the crap out of his opponent.I like the plot alot too.It really dragged me into the story. I think you should've toldpeople where Brooklyn is if they didn't know. Other than that, this story is pretty much flawless in my view. Good job Farnsworth.
ReplyDelete